JamesOz

I like you.

James — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 18:28:00 +0000

I’m somewhat reluctant to write this post but I really need to get this off my chest, even if it remains unanswered…

I really like you and you make me feel happy and feel amazing things but it sucks to know where you stand.. I wish I could say I’d wait it out but I don’t know where you stand and it sounds really clingy. I don’t know if you still feel the same or think I’m worth it or you need to be convinced something would work. I wish I could be more open with you and actually have a conservation with you like this but I get scared it’ll hurt you or that it pressures you. I don’t want that and I don’t want to put you in a situation like that. You’re an amazing person and I’ve really never felt this way or been able to connect like this before. I don’t want to ever pressure you into trying to talk this through… I know how you feel right now and I wish I could truly be by your side and make it better, through every flaw you think you behold. I’m just full of so much self loathing and really don’t want to ruin what we have now to try and connect with you on another level. I wish I knew what you felt and what you wanted but I’m clueless and I really don’t know what you think. I’ve always bit my tongue when wanting to bring this up because I didn’t want to ever put you into a position where you’d have to be on your feet, you mean far to much and I’d never hurt you.

Thank you for being the reason I smile and I think I love you.

(L)_(L)

James — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 15:54:35 +0000

I think I’ve sort hit a good theory on how I am, as much as I shouldn’t be this way. I am and it may affect me but it’s who I am and I guess things can only change for the best. I just celebrated my birthday afew days ago and was talking to a newly met friend in the early hours of the morning on my birthday and she opened my mind a lot. I never really thought about it and it’s probably not directly affecting me but a lot of the time I can feel contentment and I lack in social enviroments a fair bit. I don’t feel the need to communicate with people or don’t really have anything to truly good to say, so I usually keep my mouth shut or bite my tongue. I don’t usually do this around friends but sometimes will. I don’t connect with people as much because I can establish a mutual friendship or have a common conversation but don’t find the need to create best friends or have the need to share secrets. I’ve got a close net of friends and I trust them all, It’s not like I need to create anymore tight friendships. It only causes bullshit and fighting and distrust/harm to other friendships because of the stress and leads to you questioning everyones word and what they tell you.

As much as I’m pretty anti social and probably should leave the house more, it works in a way and it’s not like I limit myself by completely not speaking with everyone, I can actually get along with people.

I’ve actually had some cool things happen this week, I’ve been in contact with roman from TRS and got some great advice from him which makes me really happy and confident. I haven’t really got much else to write, except that I really need to sort some stuff out and that my best friend is a beautifully amazing person and makes me happy.

I’ll kiss you, violently.

James — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 09:27:57 +0000

Only afew days to my birthday and I’m not really fussed, last few have been pretty crap and I really have nothing to look forward to. It’s a day and it’s one step closer to me having to become independant and try to take on the day to day responsibilities any adult faces. It’s not something I’ve really given thought to because right now I focus on living day by day and its proving hard when I need to make decisions for future careers and makes my dreams look unrealistic. I haven’t lost hope and everyday, I think about it, working hard and preparing myself to become better. I lost so much work because of my bronchitis and now I can finally look forward and know that I’ve got some tough times ahead until I reach the level I was at again but I’m happy and very willing. New post coming in afew days with something thats going on… Need to stop writing so I can actually think to myself and maybe even figure out whats going on with a very special girl. <3

Prospering in fear and darkness.

James — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 17:59:15 +0000

As I sit here and gather thoughts and try to put things past me, I ponder fear in my surroundings. I’ve had so many things I’ve wanted to write over the last day but as time keeps flying (3:35am) I’m lost in the sound of my computer fan and the feeling thats beyond what I usually feel. I can’t even pinpoint what it is because I’m slowly heading no-where and every hope dies because everyday is the same. Their’s so many things in life that I want but they’re all just so far away that I can’t truly wait or put my heart into it. Their’s only one thing that my heart truly wants and I know that their’s a huge chance that it’ll never happen. I probably don’t deserve it and need to work a lot harder then I do but I know I’m on my way…

I’ve been writing an EP that I can scream, I’ve got 4 songs done but they’re all not completely done. I’m aiming to write 6 songs but right now I’m stuck for inspiration and still need to touch up everything that I’ve written so far, I’ve got enough written content to create something that would make me proud but I still have a lot to do. It can only improve all of my skills.

Just before I go try to sleep, here’s some stupid facts about me.

# Left handed.

# I sleep with my phone hidden because I’m scared it’ll go missing.

# I’ve listened to 27070 songs since 30th June 2008. (4:00am 18/06/09)

# My eyes are green.

# I have little to no ability to be able to recall specifics and have to write a lot of things down.

Feeling sick

James — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 15:33:37 +0000

I’ve come down with a really bad cold… It’s lucky not swine flu but will be having a week off school.

I’ve really neglected this blog lately, never writing and never even thinking about topics, I guess it’s because afterall, I’m a pretty boring, quiet person. I have an entry I begun working on which i’ll post this week sometime since I’ll have a fair bit of free time to myself. Life is simple and I’ve got no stress, all exams are done and I’m cruising.

Keep an eye out for my next entry.

I never connect anymore

James — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 13:33:03 +0000

I never write anymore, I never express how I feel because I’m shutting down. I’m stuck with the same old shit and have just resulted in shutting down, I hardly attend school, I hardly be social and all I do is waste time in my life. I need to reconnect with everything that kept me content and just ride along with it. I don’t know what to say anymore and I just become more awkward as I dull down and not fight for whatever I believe.

Tomorrow I’ve got exams… I don’t even give a fuck about the outcome of them, I’ll probably do bad and it won’t even bother me. The only thing that makes me feel uneasy is the time i’ll sit there doing nothing, waiting for it all to be over because I don’t even have passion to even produce something that’ll give me a good mark.

More rubbish to come soon, maybe something exciting will come my way… Birthday soon aswell… Fun….

We all do stupid shit.

James — Wed, 27 May 2009 15:31:59 +0000

&& I’ve done it again, let the self loathing begin.

Least I didn’t make it worse…

Zombie

James — Mon, 18 May 2009 09:05:59 +0000

I don’t want to let go of my dreams but this place is a hell hole.

Fucking save me.

This could be a good thing.

James — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 12:47:42 +0000

The next few days are actually pretty exciting for me. It opens doors for me and lets me explore what I want to do. I’ve looked about and have an idea but my horizon can only be expanded by everything that will go on. I’m happy about it because I know that I won’t be stuck doing school anymore, things can only change and I’m going to try get something positive out of the remaining weeks I have. I’m actually going to try get a routine going and actually get excited about what can come from this. It’s my life and I’m going to take control, things may seem crap for some time but I can only make things better for myself and take only good things for this.

Left Wondering.

James — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 18:20:05 +0000

I still wish that I could scream my message into a mic for thousands of people but I know the chances of that happening are pretty slim and it’s not your common sort of dream. I’m scared for it to ever happen but the passion I feel for music and what I believe in still burns on inside me and leaves me asking questions. If I want a career in music, where do I start? Who can I go to for advice? How will I know I’m ready to sing infront of an audience? I don’t have guidance for this dream, people just think i’m trying to live the teenagers dream of the living the rock and roll life style. I want to make this happen and I know I have the skills to make it all happen, I just need to find where to begin and be able to make this dream a reality. I’ve jammed with people in the past and the feelings I’ve had whilst doing it are magical. It’s the best feeling in the world, It makes me a free soul and experience beauty in the making.

I live life with no passion for everyday things like school. I hate trying to learn about things I have no interest in, I hate the subjects I’m doing and really don’t get a kick out of any of them. School is just preping us up for exams that rank us with every other person in our year level, It’s a joke. I need a piece of paper to build a life where I’ll most likely get stuck doing 9-5 and making money to pay bills. I know what I want but I can’t just leave school for it, that would kill me socially and would leave me limited to a lot of things, especially because the economy is so bad. I’d love to get a trainee technician job but I highly doubt I could find anything like that. Right now I just need to sit down and not have so much pressure on me about all of this, it’s my future but they’re already shoving shit like exam revision down our throats. Nobody can see it’s the path I don’t want to take. Right now I just want to find something that’ll make me happy and help me pay for some projects.