JamesOzAmbitions of A Willing Teenager

&& I’ve done it again, let the self loathing begin.

Least I didn’t make it worse…

I planned to write this tonight but a lot early and got side tracked with some business. Life is slowly coming along and now and then I get the desire to give in and find something else, I’m sick of school and just going through the same process, knowing I’ll be doing the same stuff for 2 years can really bring you down..
I’ve got good news and got something I need to really work on, actually 2 things I need to work on. It looks like I may actually be in a band, we haven’t worked out much of the details or really had much time to do anything but we had a jam and we’re all pretty confident if we get together and talk about it all that we can actually create something positive from this. This actually gives me a reason to smile and have some hope, being able to express myself and begin the start of my dreams… One thing I generally need to work on is my writing, I sometimes can be a great writer but my problem is laziness in not re-reading or trying to improve my writing. This is actually a fairly big let down but since my last few written blogs have been done from my phone, its a lot harder to try keep everything decent… I also need to improve my motivation, I get nothing done and let the little amount of homework I get pile up or get lazy in class which ends up fucking up my tests/exams… I can’t remember shit and I don’t study anyway.. so its my fault.
things will change if I want them to, if not, I’ll be stuck the way I am. Unmotivated and lost in a world where I don’t know where I truly belong.

also, anyone with some topics for me to write about, message me and I’ll do some research and write a post about it, it will help me keep this place alive with some decent content..

This may be a long post or I may end up with sore thumbs… we’ll see how it goes..

I didn’t think I’d be writing again so soon, since I wrote last night. I had the afternoon off today and had some time to think about some things whilst working with Tom on fused. I’ve had this same negative but truthful thought runningl through my head. I just never stay connected with it or I never give myself time for things like self reflection, My life is currently just one huge repetitive event that keeps driving me to horrible moods and putting me back into a horrible mindset that always haunted me. I’m always getting the same beautiful motivation on the weekend, a feeling that can only be explained as – I want to reach my goals and get school over with by working hard, as soon as I get into the classroom or try do homework on a weeknight. I lack motivation and want to just give it all up because the perspective given in that mood is that I’ll get no – where and that I have no hope.. This crap I suffer is from one little thing but it holds me back so much… ’self conciousness’ – I hate being in a classroom with people, I’m a social outcast and a normal teenagers life is run by gossip, rumours and myspace.

The only thing holding me back is the horrible things that go through my head when I’m at school…