JamesOzAmbitions of A Willing Teenager

How can I write about something I’ve already experienced countless times?

I’ve got no motivation to write and I keep going down the same dead fucking track and it’s killing me slowly, I hate what I’m doing but if i stop it, I’ll become even more depressed and will end up just another failure doing some shitty dead end job. The same thoughts fly through my mind and the same answers keep floating in my head but I know they’re wrong and will only cause pain to people around me… If they even care anymore, I’ve seriously just seem to be thorwing friendships away lately because I feel some people bring nothing to the table and that they’re just using me. I know it’s true but what can you honestly do, let it go on and know you have nobody to rely on?

The greatest people in this world are the ones who get fucked over and left behind in this cruel world, they’re the ones who deserve to be truly happen and experience a rich fulfilling life. I don’t deserve shit of it but I atleast deserve some respect to be treated like a human by people that I’ve trusted or seen as friends. I look after the past year and I can honestly say I can see 2-3 people who’ve truly stuck by me and actually made be still feel something about this world. The sad thing is, they’re nearly all people I’ve met from business related things or from NamePros.

Give me a sign something is going to change, a hope that happiness is near… It’s killing me inside.

I haven’t had a great sleep in awhile, my life is a day to day repeat of the week before and it’s getting boring, VERY fast. I haven’t had a good sleep in awhile and I need a hug. I’m off to bed to experience another night of tossing and turning until I get up and feel horrible.

I’ll get motivated and write something useful… one day soon..

This may be a long post or I may end up with sore thumbs… we’ll see how it goes..

I didn’t think I’d be writing again so soon, since I wrote last night. I had the afternoon off today and had some time to think about some things whilst working with Tom on fused. I’ve had this same negative but truthful thought runningl through my head. I just never stay connected with it or I never give myself time for things like self reflection, My life is currently just one huge repetitive event that keeps driving me to horrible moods and putting me back into a horrible mindset that always haunted me. I’m always getting the same beautiful motivation on the weekend, a feeling that can only be explained as – I want to reach my goals and get school over with by working hard, as soon as I get into the classroom or try do homework on a weeknight. I lack motivation and want to just give it all up because the perspective given in that mood is that I’ll get no – where and that I have no hope.. This crap I suffer is from one little thing but it holds me back so much… ’self conciousness’ – I hate being in a classroom with people, I’m a social outcast and a normal teenagers life is run by gossip, rumours and myspace.

The only thing holding me back is the horrible things that go through my head when I’m at school…

I feel like death, runny nose and my chest/throat are burning. I haven’t got a common cold but I still feel shit. Everyday I check my blog and think… shit I need to update it and run out of time or end up dealing with something else and never get around to updating my blog or working on it. I’ve been cleaning up my blog alittle lately, removing things, getting things ready to add and finalizing some things I’m allowed to publish on my blog, nothing ‘that’ exciting but it gives a better insight to who I am and what I actually do online. Many people who read this blog really have no idea what I do online.

School is cruising along and I really need to some motivation… I haven’t had a clear head for awhile and am a little shady with all my dreams right now, I know what I want and I need to keep that in my head. I just never give myself time to think about it all or even let it out, I need to go have a round with my boxing bag… or 2. I don’t have anything really built up but I’ve just kept myself so anti-social over the holidays and even though I got out with friends, nothing changed, I was still pretty much in my own little world doing my own thing 24/7.

Fuck, please save me. =/

I literally feel weighed down and old. I’ve pretty much been battling on and off sickness during the weekends and been doing school, very slowly. Every class of mine is the same repeat of listen to the teacher then isolate myself with my ipod and phone whilst I work, I hate school and I hate most of the people around me. I never realised this but I’m a really shy person thats very anti-social… It’s not really a helpful benefit but it just makes me sit in class when I’ve finished work and just count down the time till i’ve finished school so I can get out of that classroom. Most of my classes right now are very tedious and I’m already sick of school and I’m only 2 weeks in… I’ve got no hope right now and I’m heading down the wrong path…

As I write this, I’m experiencing really freaky waves running through my body, it’s weighing me down literally and making me feel weak… I think it’s got to do with the lack of sleep I’m getting even though i’m getting to bed pretty early every night, I honestly have had a good sleep this year and it’s making me feel shit house. I want a good sleep and I want to actually get up and want to face the world for once… Maybe i’m getting shit sleeps because I’m lazy and I feel like i’m sinking back into old habits and could even be pushing myself back into a form of depression. I’m going to ride it out and hope everything picks up in life, I don’t want to feel shit and I don’t want any of this trivial bullshit to affect anything around me. I’ve got a fair bit of schooling that I need to focus on this year and I don’t know what’s going to change for me or what i’m actually going to change to make things better in my life.

I don’t want to end up nothing but my dreams are crazy and I know that they might not work out, I want them but I don’t know where to start, I don’t know what to aim for. I don’t want my dream as a ‘title’ I want to experience being a ‘real musician’ and actually make an impact in lives like music made in mine. It’s a huge influence in life and I know that it’s one of the best tools in life to unwind for nearly everyone. I’ve been asked to sing for a band and I’ve taken it up but I’m not sure where it’ll end up but I know that I’m going to try my hardest and make sure I do everything I can, I don’t want to fuck up or let anyone down, this is my dream and I’m hopeful. I just need a boost in the right direction and maybe just to pick myself up from where I stand and make sure I’ve not ruined everything I’ve done for myself… It doesn’t seem like a lot but I’ve learnt a lot and I think I’ve improved myself so much as a person that I actually amaze myself by being able to help myself out yet be strong enough to support close friends.

Sorry for the rambling, I can’t really get stuff out of my head and it’s driving me insane, lately I’ve been bottled up and just been so ‘busy’ and trying to keep myself healthy without dying in my ’sleep’ I’ll be trying to blog more because I want to actually keep everything out of my head and actually do something that helps me vent or just give me a great topic to express my opinions on.

- I hope 09′ has been a great year for you so far.