JamesOzAmbitions of A Willing Teenager

I’m somewhat reluctant to write this post but I really need to get this off my chest, even if it remains unanswered…

I really like you and you make me feel happy and feel amazing things but it sucks to know where you stand.. I wish I could say I’d wait it out but I don’t know where you stand and it sounds really clingy. I don’t know if you still feel the same or think I’m worth it or you need to be convinced something would work. I wish I could be more open with you and actually have a conservation with you like this but I get scared it’ll hurt you or that it pressures you. I don’t want that and I don’t want to put you in a situation like that. You’re an amazing person and I’ve really never felt this way or been able to connect like this before. I don’t want to ever pressure you into trying to talk this through… I know how you feel right now and I wish I could truly be by your side and make it better, through every flaw you think you behold. I’m just full of so much self loathing and really don’t want to ruin what we have now to try and connect with you on another level. I wish I knew what you felt and what you wanted but I’m clueless and I really don’t know what you think. I’ve always bit my tongue when wanting to bring this up because I didn’t want to ever put you into a position where you’d have to be on your feet, you mean far to much and I’d never hurt you.

Thank you for being the reason I smile and I think I love you.

I think I’ve sort hit a good theory on how I am, as much as I shouldn’t be this way. I am and it may affect me but it’s who I am and I guess things can only change for the best. I just celebrated my birthday afew days ago and was talking to a newly met friend in the early hours of the morning on my birthday and she opened my mind a lot. I never really thought about it and it’s probably not directly affecting me but a lot of the time I can feel contentment and I lack in social enviroments a fair bit. I don’t feel the need to communicate with people or don’t really have anything to truly good to say, so I usually keep my mouth shut or bite my tongue. I don’t usually do this around friends but sometimes will. I don’t connect with people as much because I can establish a mutual friendship or have a common conversation but don’t find the need to create best friends or have the need to share secrets. I’ve got a close net of friends and I trust them all, It’s not like I need to create anymore tight friendships. It only causes bullshit and fighting and distrust/harm to other friendships because of the stress and leads to you questioning everyones word and what they tell you.

As much as I’m pretty anti social and probably should leave the house more, it works in a way and it’s not like I limit myself by completely not speaking with everyone, I can actually get along with people.

I’ve actually had some cool things happen this week, I’ve been in contact with roman from TRS and got some great advice from him which makes me really happy and confident. I haven’t really got much else to write, except that I really need to sort some stuff out and that my best friend is a beautifully amazing person and makes me happy.

Only afew days to my birthday and I’m not really fussed, last few have been pretty crap and I really have nothing to look forward to. It’s a day and it’s one step closer to me having to become independant and try to take on the day to day responsibilities any adult faces. It’s not something I’ve really given thought to because right now I focus on living day by day and its proving hard when I need to make decisions for future careers and makes my dreams look unrealistic. I haven’t lost hope and everyday, I think about it, working hard and preparing myself to become better. I lost so much work because of my bronchitis and now I can finally look forward and know that I’ve got some tough times ahead until I reach the level I was at again but I’m happy and very willing. New post coming in afew days with something thats going on… Need to stop writing so I can actually think to myself and maybe even figure out whats going on with a very special girl. <3

As I sit here and gather thoughts and try to put things past me, I ponder fear in my surroundings. I’ve had so many things I’ve wanted to write over the last day but as time keeps flying (3:35am) I’m lost in the sound of my computer fan and the feeling thats beyond what I usually feel. I can’t even pinpoint what it is because I’m slowly heading no-where and every hope dies because everyday is the same. Their’s so many things in life that I want but they’re all just so far away that I can’t truly wait or put my heart into it. Their’s only one thing that my heart truly wants and I know that their’s a huge chance that it’ll never happen. I probably don’t deserve it and need to work a lot harder then I do but I know I’m on my way…

I’ve been writing an EP that I can scream, I’ve got 4 songs done but they’re all not completely done. I’m aiming to write 6 songs but right now I’m stuck for inspiration and still need to touch up everything that I’ve written so far, I’ve got enough written content to create something that would make me proud but I still have a lot to do. It can only improve all of my skills.

Just before I go try to sleep, here’s some stupid facts about me.

# Left handed.

# I sleep with my phone hidden because I’m scared it’ll go missing.

# I’ve listened to 27070 songs since 30th June 2008. (4:00am 18/06/09)

# My eyes are green.

# I have little to no ability to be able to recall specifics and have to write a lot of things down.

I’ve come down with a really bad cold… It’s lucky not swine flu but will be having a week off school.

I’ve really neglected this blog lately, never writing and never even thinking about topics, I guess it’s because afterall, I’m a pretty boring, quiet person. I have an entry I begun working on which i’ll post this week sometime since I’ll have a fair bit of free time to myself. Life is simple and I’ve got no stress, all exams are done and I’m cruising.

Keep an eye out for my next entry.