JamesOzAmbitions of A Willing Teenager

I haven’t tried to negected my blog, I’ve been caught up in school work, exams and sorting out many things currently going on in my life, I can honestly say, I’ve reached happiness, I don’t give a fuck about whats going on around me, I may be in some fucked up situations right now but i can honestly say, I’m a happy person, I don’t know what caused this, I think its just from the little chats I’ve had with mates, Jay has been a great “Cousin” to me, You’re a legend and we both go through shit but we’re strong, I don’t need love or material objects to feel happy, I feel pure, I feel myself, I’m going to follow my dreams and not let anyone ruin what I’ve got in my head, I’m finally a better person to myself, I’ve accepted heaps more and I think I’ve got another view on my life and everything that impacts it. Its not one of those bullshit everything happens for a reasons life, I’m just trying to live life for myself and put myself first for once instead of being fucked over by friends or love, I’ve realised I’ll never get anywhere with the friends I’ve got and that if people can’t accept me for who I am then they obviously aren’t worth it, I’ve actually made new friends at school and am becoming a way better inner person, I think my next step is to kick these Anti-Depressants.

I actually have a girlfriend right now, I’d say we’re serious, We say the occasional “I love You” or anything lovey, We’re just trying to take things slow and see how everything works out, I’m not pushing for anything, I’m a happy person and so is she.

Lately I’ve been trying to record my own vocals and actually produce several songs, I’ve had some trouble though, Trying to record with just a cheap microphone, I don’t have anything fancy and it seems to be really killing the sounds, You can hear my computer fan or it gets distorted. I’ll keep working at it and i hope i’ll be bringing out my own songs soon.

I don’t really have much more to add, I’m hoping to finish some exams and essays, Then i’ll be off to Queensland for school camp.

After dealing with some of my current issues, I’ve sort of got my head straight and I’m just taking things really slowly, Right now I’m trying to focus on things that make me happy or are going to make me happy, I’m focusing on future projects at school which interest me – Business etc.

I think its really helping me, I’ve kept busy and I’ve been pretty happy with myself, I have several things on my mind tonight which i shall get out in the open, giving you all my opinions and hopefully sending out a message or giving some sort of advice to anyone that reads my blog.

I was thinking about the situation I had with Amber and It kept hurting me deeply but I’ve begun to think of it as, Its what she’s lost, Fuck her and she didn’t realise what she had, its not my loss and I was just to good for her, Its her loss and I shouldn’t get myself down about someone that thrown away my love. Why the fuck should i be depressed or upset over somebody who wasn’t worth it. I will continue on with my life and not regret it because even if i did enjoy it, she’s not worth holding onto or getting upset over. Fuck you.

I wanted to try write one of my longest posts yet, I’ve had a shit load go on in my life and I really think this is dramatically affecting me. My blog is a place for me to open up, rant, pretty much breakdown with my heart on the line without having to tell anyone, i know people still can read my blog but whats the difference, its just raw emotion and we all have it, no point hiding it. I may not be a strong person emotionally but I try to handle things with the best of my abilities.

Things begun looking up in a way for me, I started to think differently and try to sort out things in my life and get back on track, I hated being depressed and hated feeling so fucking useless, I tried to get over it and i was slowly overcoming it when i had a massive bomb shell dropped, Amber and I were already apart and we’d be having rough pats, every night this was killing me and I begun trying to look up at things and think positive about the situation, I finally become positive and she ends up telling me she doesn’t love me. I was literally fucking shot down, I could hear my heart ripped from my fucking chest, I was in so much pain, I was crying my fucking eyes out and i didn’t have a fucking clue what to do. I knew I’d have to more on and this broke me so fucking much, My trust was broken, My confidence was broken, Most of all – My heart, ripped to shreds, I never thought I’d go through this with her, I always tried to be the best boy to her and now she was throwing me away like I was a piece of shit. Was I really that bad of a person? Did I treat her that bad? Maybe we weren’t meant to be.

I guess I’ll never know and i sort of never do want to know, She ripped me to fucking bits and I’m still lost..